Dear Fellow Spiritually Inert Atheists of The Internet (SIATI – pronounced “shxxxy”, as in “fellow shxxxy people”):
I have recently observed we have a lack of quick catch phrases to use on social media to denote care, concern, and empathy to others with minimal effort. We have need of language to denote a brief moment of loving thought, while seamlessly moving on to other matters of the world. To that end, let’s review existing norms to eliminate existing options, and start making suggestions on proper verbiage for fellow SIATIs.
Recent language I have seen which should be excluded:
- “I’ll pray for you.” And derivatives. — obviously a no go.
- “Sending positive vibes.” — Unless you have a gift order in to Adam & Eve for someone, how are you sending vibes? Weird, possibly creepy.
- “Wishing you light.” — I can’t even decode what this means. Are we making a critical judgement about light? Is light better than darkness? What is the substantive nature of light that is good? Too confusing.
- “Bless your heart.” — Used by passive aggressive Southerners to backstab unsuspecting Yankees for generations. Not a great option, but if you’re a Southern SIATI, may work.
Possible alternatives from cultural references:
- “Live long and prosper” — I can’t say this to someone with a straight face.
- “Be well.” — It’s a CVS/Walgreen/California thing. I’m not sure if this is a command or a blessing. Can be taken kind of rude, as in “go be well somewhere else”. That’s how I interpret it at Walgreens anyway.
- “Good journey.” — I can’t remember where I heard this one. I think it was some shitty sci-fi flick from the 80s or 90s. IMDB is no help. If someone has a couple of hours to research this, whatevs.
- “I’ll keep you in my thoughts.” — and I’m gonna think reeeeaaaal hard about it.
- “Hugs.” — who doesn’t like hugs? Awww. Well, except for creepy, unsolicited, too long hugs. Nobody likes those.
- “Go forth and kick ass.” — I like this one. Why should the work of thinking and caring be all on me? Don’t these things usually come down to whoever needs support just going out and doing their thing anyway? I mean, I hope they rock at it, but there isn’t much I can do unless it involves actual help or resources. Maybe a little encouragement? I don’t know.
We need better marketing.
As SIATIs, we are centuries behind in the language of quickly expressing our thoughts and care to others. Help our cause and submit ideas for improved social media correspondence.
This is a work of obvious humor, and its intent is to reflect on the sometimes ludicrous twists of language some of us without a spiritual belief take when essentially saying “I like you, you got this, and I’m thinking of you at your time of need.” If you’re offended by it, you have my regrets, as I definitely do not write this to repudiate any of my friends or family who offer their prayers, wishes, or light in support of anyone, me included. If you ever have a post on social media, and I respond with something like “‘atta boy”, you can rest assured that the social media and marketing people for atheists are hard at work improving my language, and I am truly sending my sincere thoughts of concern, or ass kicking.
Sincerely, with all love,